Well, today is the day. July 30th 1996. I had to be up very early because we had to leave by 7:30 am to report to the hospital by 9 am and begin what would be a very dangerous and difficult transplant. The I. Brodsky- Philadelphia Flyers Fight for Lives Center for Leukemia was apparently the place to be at the time if you were in need of a Bone Marrow Transplant.
I had packed the night before. Not much needed since I would be wearing a gown and bootie socks for almost two months. Some t-shirts, underwear, reading materials and pictures of my boy. He made me a great mini photo album. Got me through some tough times….future blogs to come. My hairdo was compliments of my friends Mike and Angela a few days prior. Ang was a hairdresser and gave me a nice baldie style crew cut, basically a shaved head. They say it’s better to be bald than to watch your hair fall out in clumps from the chemotherapy. Woohoo.
We were also fortunate to have a wonderful young lady, Karen, who was Nicks nanny since he was a baby. She was at the house earlier than usual today as were my parents to see me off. It was comforting to know that he was in great hands when Lori would be working and I was indisposed. Our families would also be there to assist with other facets of the process . It really took a Village.
Ok, all set. Only one more thing to do. Say goodbye to Nick. He was still asleep and I didn’t want to wake him. I just stood there, leaning on the side of his bed, stroking his hair. He wouldn’t be able to visit me. Only twelve years old or older allowed. I didnt want to leave. There was a strong possibility that this would be the last time I would ever see him again. THE LAST TIME I MAY EVER SEE HIM AGAIN. This was real now. This little guy was my life. Lori said we really had to go. I kissed him on the head. Then again, and again. I walked to the doorway. I turned around again and went back for more kisses and told him again how much I loved him. I wanted to wake him so badly but I knew it was better to just go. I was too emotional and would have probably scared him. Goodbye Buddy, I gotta go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Wish I could have stayed there forever.
I think I just made it to the car, holding it together as best as I could. When we pulled away, the tears started flowing like a river. I lost it. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. The tears continued to flow most of our ride down to the hospital. I had my rock though. “Never, Never, Quit”. It would be displayed prominently by my bed…With my mini photo album and my will to survive. This morning was overwhelming and overall, the hardest and most traumatic moment of my life. I realized right then, right there, that nothing I was about to face could hurt me more than having to say goodbye to my baby boy. Bring it on CML.
Next up: Arrival